We talk a lot about the fact that often the majority of caretaking responsibilities fall on the mother. Employers frequently offer maternity leave, rather than parental leave. Even in states like California that offer generous parental or paternity leave policies, men are far less likely to take time off after the birth of a new child. Although there are many reasons for this, one I was not aware of was the fact that fathers may feel out of place, and even discriminated against, at play groups and other child-bonding activities. 

I read an opinion article in the Huffington Post in which a stay-at-home dad who felt like an outsider at playgroup due to the “mommy and me” construct, which “reinforces the myth that mothers have ‘magical bonds’ with children, putting all the pressure on mothers for caretaking duties. At the same time, it pushes dads away.”

This father described various playgroups where the women sat alone sharing stories, while the only two dads sat alone on the other side of the room. They were dubbed “Mr. Mom.” Another mom pushed her son to him, telling him they needed “man time.” Others did not set playdates with him once they had women friends on the group. He said his experience is not unique. Commonly men were ignored, told by mothers that their husbands were not comfortable with the relationship, or being made to feel like predators at playgrounds. One mothers group in Manhattan refused to allow dads because the space had to be “comfortable for moms.” 

These actions not only continue to place the majority of caretaking duties on mothers, while discouraging men and non-binary parents from attending playgroups and other activities that are a great resource for families, but also perpetuate stereotypes in society that mothers are and should be the primary caregiver. 

As we continue to advocate for parental leave policies, and equality in the workplace, we should also evaluate how our parental constructs function outside the workplace. We need to welcome all parents, regardless of gender identity, and stop the use of limiting language that may make others feel like outsiders.